I love weekends; they’re like a little new beginning. Two whole days to unwind, rebuild, and move forward.
I believe I have come out of my slum state.
It’s an old feeling that has recently resurfaced, me looking forward to weekends. For a while, I dredded weekends. I HATED my TWO AND A HALF days/nights of no work because that meant I had nothing to do except babysit. Babysit MY OWN child by myself with another able, yet unwilling, adult in close proximity. One should never feel like she has to “babysit” her own child, but when you’re doing it alone, that’s what it is. When your spouse lies in bed all day with you on the living room floor, cheering on your child waddling from one train to a pile of stacking cups to another train, then preparing meals, feeding, cleaning up, more playing, changing diapers, playing, eating, changing… it doesn’t feel like “quality family time,” as I had always imagined. It’s funny how watching your child when someone you love is involved suddenly doesn’t feel like “babysitting,” it’s “family time” instead. But for 13 months, I was the sitter.
Then, recently, one glorious new beginning came where I had had enough. No more babysitting. No more worrying. No more begrudgingly watching someone lay around. No. More. I was done.
So I left.
Remember a few posts ago when I said some big changes were going to happen, I could feel it? They’re happening.
Remember all the talk about working on myself and making positive changes and becoming a better person? It’s happening.
I am making many changes. I’m trying new things. I’m still learning about myself. And I’m allowing myself to do things for ME.
I’ve been watching Louis CK recently and of course he’s hilarious, but he also has some good points if you really think about his jokes. Glennon, of course, has many great words of wisdom. My sponsor, whom I aspire to be more like, continues to guide me on the right path. Going to meetings has given me strength. Friends have encouraged me. And I thank God every day for the direction my life is going and the lessons I am learning. I’m picking up on a few things:
– Women deserve respect. Every. Woman. All the time. A real man knows this.
– Cell phones should be put down sometimes.
– Facebook does not need to be checked, updated, or notified every hour.
– I CAN do hard things.
– It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to grieve. It’s also okay to move on.
– Fiancial situations can change overnight, or they can take twenty years. Either way, everything will be okay.
– Marriage takes two working partners. If one refuses to work on the marriage, it is not the other’s fault, nor is it possible for the other to work twice as hard to save it.
– God puts certain people in your life to serve a certain purpose. Sometimes they aren’t supposed to be in your life forever. If their purpose was served and they are no longer a positive source for you, it’s okay to allow God to take you where you should be next without them.
– When raising your children, all you can do is what you think is best and leave the rest to God. Let them learn from their mistakes, and do not try to eliminate consequences. They will keep coming, and they have nothing to do with you.
Using this – and more I learn everyday – I am becoming myself. This is SO exciting. This is what I’m assuming turning into a WOMAN feels like, and I LOVE it. I trusted my struggle, and I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I feel as though I’m emerging from the tunnel into the light. It’s not all going to be rainbows and butterflies, but as long as there is light, I am up for the challenge.
Cheers to a new beginning. More changes to come.