Hey, you! It’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about you, I just haven’t done much about it. I’m sorry about that.
It’s Saturday morning, William is at my mother’s house, and Husband is still asleep. Peanut (my cat) and I are out on the balcony enjoying the early morning coolness and blue sky. The yellow shining sun is partially covered by a tree to my right, but you know how the rays still break through, and the sky seems muggy, almost gray around it, but it isn’t – it’s just so bright. Beautiful morning. Fall is so near it’s practically here. I love fall when I am in it and the trees are majestically painted their reds, oranges, and yellows, but it also makes me panicky when the seasons change because that means summer is so far gone and winter comes next and I hate being cold. To me, fall just means: WINTER’S ALMOST HERE! Time to get cold!!! And it also means that summer is THREE WHOLE SEASONS away!! Three whole seasons until the days are long enough, until the sun is bright enough, until the trees are green enough…
This is probably why I’m here, to talk about not panicking and enjoying the moment and NOT LETTING CIRCUMSTANCES ROB ME OF JOY. I woke up this morning and did some self-reflecting, as I do often, and I can’t say that I’m proud of myself. I thought, If I were to die today, would I be proud of my life? No, not really. Not enough. Not yet. I have so much work left to do, so much joy left to spread, so much thankfulness to give…and probably so much more of a lot of things.
But – it’s okay. Breathe, Brittany. Breathe. I can only do one moment at a time. Taking things one day at a time is too big of a chunk for me; one moment at a time works much better. Each moment that happens, I will practice not letting go of my joy. I will practice patience. I will practice understanding. I will practice open-mindedness, and most importantly, open-heartedness. (Spell check doesn’t think that’s a word. Whatever, Spell Check. You don’t stop me.) The reason I have this blog is to share my heart, so that others may feel comfortable opening their hearts. Imagine if we were to all be open and available to let people in… there would be so much more love flowing around; it would be beautiful! But maybe that’s too much for you. I understand completely. If you can’t open your heart, maybe just try to soften it a little by opening your mind to others. We can all practice patience and understanding. Remember, practice doesn’t mean perfect! God knows I fail daily. I fail on Facebook in my statuses! Last night I wrote something about disagreeing with a church because of their use of stickers on their congregation’s cars for advertisements, and accidentally offended a few people. That was not my intent at all, I was just stating my opinion. It was mended though, and we found our common ground: we all love Jesus. So today, I’m going to practice keeping my joy so the world doesn’t rob me of it, and also trying HARD not to rob others of their joy. That is NOT my job. Moment by moment, I will try to be new.
If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change…
Also, with the help of a friend and my sponsor, I made an amazing discovery about myself this week: I am codependent.
I had heard that word tossed around so many times in the past year at Celebrate Recovery, never really knowing what it meant. I thought “codependent” meant “one who coddles addicts.” I knew codependents enabled their addicts, and that they usually did things for them to help them. I thought no way was I that! If anything, I was an angry codependent, which is why I thought I was in recovery for anger issues. That never seemed to fit right either, though, because I didn’t see myself as an angry person. I just became angry when someone around me hurt me. I didn’t lash out and throw things or break things (although I sure wanted to, and I thought about it several times!), and I wasn’t constantly yelling, so how could I be a true angry person?
I realized that codependent could also mean DEPENDENT, which if you’ve read my third post, ‘A Girl and Her Daddy,’ you’d think, DUH, BRITTANY! Because it has CODEPENDENT written all over it. I have never in my life been alone. I’ve always keep a guy by my side. It was my shield of protection from feeling hurt, feeling lonely. At the end of the essay, I talk about being happily married as if to say, “THE END!” And they lived happily ever after. Haha. …Until the addicts showed up and her codependency flared wildly!
This whole life will be a work in progress. I will go to step study for my codependency. I will learn to depend on God rather than a man. I will become independent, and I will be a strong woman for my son to see. I told Blake last night that I do NOT want William to go after the type of girl I was. No needy girls. I want him to see the beauty in self-sufficient, strong young ladies who know how to set boundaries, who know when to say no. That is a word I so badly wish I would have said a lot more of.
Today is a new day. I’m going to practice keeping my joy. What will you practice?