Beautifully Clean

 I have so many thoughts that I want to share with you, but they keep getting interrupted and I keep getting lost and then I get bits and pieces and it’s just UGHHHH – my brain is a jumbled mess right now!!! But I’m going to try to clear it up and get these thoughts out so that Katelynn can read it. Thanks, Katelynn, for holding me accountable.

I really struggle with originality. I read Glennon’s blog daily and I just watched several of her interviews and I think, “she has already done everything I want to do! She has already said everything I want to say!” I started my blog after reading some of hers, and I often fear that I’m writing the same basic things: be brave, be kind, be real; grow, learn, and prosper…etc. I worry that I read what she writes, and then just regergitate it back onto another blog and call it my own. How can I make a difference if I’m just copying someone else? I guess this blog is my entire “Me too,” Glennon. Maybe the stories shared here will help those who haven’t been over to Momastery.

When I feel like quitting, God gives me a little reminder. Like Katelynn mentioning yesterday, which was ONLY WEDNESDAY, that I hadn’t posted ALL WEEK. That’s when it feels like I must be doing something right. So, as Glennon says, I’m showing up again.

“Instead of pretending life is not messy, we should find the beauty in the mess.” – Guess who?

This is why I write. I am tired of pretending life isn’t messy, that my relationships aren’t messy. It is, and they are. Okay, but what about the beauty? The beauty comes from getting messy. It’s kind of like when I need to clean out William’s closet. At first things look fine, because they’re all tucked away on shelves or hidden in bins, and things seem neat. But those clothes need to be donated. In order for me to donate them, and clear out the baggage in the closet, I have to bring them all out. I have to sort through them, one at a time, and put them in various piles. Donate pile, done-for pile, buy-back pile. After a few minutes, things look REALLY messy. Because in order to deal with the mess, you have to bring it all out of the closet. You sort through it, you decide what to do with each pile, and eventually, you can bag it up and carry it off, to have that neat, clean closet again.

In order to get to the beauty, you have to bring things out of the closet.

It usually doesn’t stay this way long, but my closet is clean for now, and it’s beautiful.

I’ve been talking a lot lately about my struggle with understanding addiction and the addicts in my life. It hasn’t all been prettily wrapped with a perfect bow on top, and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. But it’s part of our life, our story, and it’s real. I say “our” and not “my” because these little demons – addiction, shame, anger, etc. – are everywhere. It doesn’t take long to see that; just go sit in traffic! I’ve recently learned that keeping these demons inside not only makes me feel extremely alone, but it’s a much harder struggle when I try to do that. This blog has allowed me to open up my struggles for others to see that we do not have to suffer alone. And when people reach out to me, I feel that I’ve created a tiny community that provides warmth, love, and hope. And we can grow together through our struggles. (This is why I welcome you to share your stories here, too. Please email me if you’d like to be a guest blogger on here! Britt(dot)mcmanus88(at)gmail(dot)com.)

Last week was a pretty rough week. And the week before that was, too. And the week before that. I’ve found it’s pretty easy to write when my emotions are bubbling at the surface and I feel like I might cry any second. That’s when I am most passionate, and that’s what makes for good writing. It’s when you write what you truly believe in. What good is writing when there is no feeling behind it? Also, it takes a huge load off to give it away. It’s like giving it to God, for all to see. Look, everyone: if you give it away, it can’t hurt you. You should give your burden away, too!

This week, however, has been different. It’s like Struggle shrunk away for a while, and I’m soaking up every single bit of Joy that has replaced it. I’m feeling delightful, which makes me a little nervous. It’s like I have SO much to be thankful for, that I have no idea how to thank God enough. I almost feel painful when I pray because I can’t say “thank You” enough, even if I say it 15 times, I still feel ungrateful. Also, when things are so good, I don’t know what else to say to God except “thank you,” so I feel a little disconnected. “Trust your Struggle” – because it brings you closer to God. I have no idea what to do right now. Struggle has diminished, so what do I do? What am I supposed to work on? What’s my project this week, God? I suppose it’s just working on thankfulness.

And chores. Ugh.

It’s most appropriate that Big Struggle has left, because now we have little struggle. William hasn’t been feeling the greatest for about a week now, on top of growing out of infancy…so night time has not been fun. He’s super clingy (nothing new), super tired, whiny, and now, uncooperative. I find myself having to trick him into almost everything. Eating, changing, brushing teeth, …ohhh man. I’m tired just thinking about what’s to come tonight.

Thank You, God, for taking away Big Struggle just in time. I don’t know when it’ll come back, but I prefer Husband. I’ll keep him, you keep Struggle, cool? 🙂


I love you guys.


2 thoughts on “Beautifully Clean

  1. Authenticity is a beautiful thing, Borrowing until something becomes ours is what we all do at different points. Knowing we are not ok and then being ok with not being ok are the first powerful steps to creating a space to actually be ok!

    Thanks for having the courage to share your truth and to do so from where you currently find yourself. We are all moving targets (I can swing from being present to being lost all on the same breath some days 🙂 ), but as we share we help each other remember. -x.M

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