So Sorry to Disappoint

I have some news that will be very upsetting to many of you related to me. I am still struggling with this, so please be gentle. Doing what you think is the right thing is often very difficult.
Yesterday, while at my temporary office job filling in contracts for commercials to air for Comcast, I was asked by my supervisor to come to her office. This was after I had responded to her e-mail about a team meeting with a message informing her that I could not attend because it was the day after my scheduled last day. So, I assumed she was going to give me the run down of the meeting that I would miss. Assuming is a terrible thing to do. I walked into her office, and she asked me politely if I would close the door. Oh dear God, here we go again, I thought. I had been in a closed door situation with my previous temporary supervisor, a principal, months earlier and had been told some very sad news: my services were no longer needed. Naturally, I was not excited about the prompt, “Can you close the door, please? Have a seat.”  I sat. I waited for my employment to end.
Quite the contrary, I was asked if this was a job I would consider doing full-time. Woah. You just never know what you’re going to get in these closed-door situations; they could go horribly awry or incredibly well! She then continued to talk about benefits, beginning, obviously most importantly, with the discounted Comcast cable, internet, phone bundle I would receive, on down to the less important stuff like health insurance and pay. I listened, I felt excited, encouraged – somebody FINALLY likes me! – told her I’d need to talk with my husband and I would come back for more questions, and thanked her for offering me the opportunity. I truly felt like I was valuable for the first time in a long time.
Afterwards, I spoke with a coworker, and felt like this was God finally giving me the money I’d been needing to help provide for my family, and I would take the job. I didn’t say so to my supervisor however, because I still wanted to pray about it for a while and talk more to Blake, even though his texts, “TAKE IT!!!!!!!” appeared quite clear.
We prayed together again last night, which was super, and I went to bed.
Somewhere along the line after last night and this morning, I have felt my thoughts waiver a bit. Is this what you want to do for the rest of your life? Absolutely not, but it’s money for now. Will you have the opportunity to see what other places of employment are like if you take this job? No. Is this a company in which you want to move up in? No. Do you feel like you’re making a difference? No. Do you like what you’re doing? Who likes commercials?
Furthermore, I see almost NO sunlight at all during the day. As Blake has pointed out, I’m like a plant. I NEED sunlight. (At least just a window.)
My eyes also might become permanently crossed from staring at a computer screen all day…which would be much more tolerable if I had sunlight.
The fact that I was offered a possibility of employment (I would still have to interview with my supervisor’s manager) after only my first long-time assignment with the staffing company is fantastic. I feel completely honored. I am very tempted to take it, just so I can have full-time income. But at the same time, it is only my first assignment. A second might not come immediately following this, but I know that a second assignment will come. And maybe it might not be right, either, but I owe it to myself to explore my possibilities while I’m young, and only have one child instead of four (don’t worry, Blake, the number four does not appeal to me); then I would for sure be stuck. I owe it to myself to be available in case I ever do get a call to interview for a teaching position, because I haven’t completely ruled teaching out yet. I owe it to myself to explore other occupations while I still have the chance. I don’t want to come back to the staffing company and take a major pay cut after having full-time income, just because I finally got tired of it and decided to try something else. I need to do it now while I still can. Now while I’m still being paid more than I ever have. Now while Blake was just granted a pay increase to keep us above water. I want to have a career for the rest of my life, and I want it to be something I believe in, something that makes even the slightest difference. Commercials, in my opinion, do not.
So my unofficial decison, for now, is thank you so much, but no thanks.
And family, I know you want to slap me silly right now. But I have faith that something else will come, and don’t worry, I’m not giving up. So just sigh and mumble what you will, and I’ll keep trucking. I’ll keep working as many temporary jobs as I have to until I find my job.
Believe in yourself, YM’s.
And please, go stand by a window for me.

One thought on “So Sorry to Disappoint

  1. Oh boy! You DO have your family pegged right!! However, I’m going to surprise you by AGREEING with you! You are at a point in your life where you get to try on different hats, and you are still finding your passion. Working with the temp company is just what I feel you need to do. Remember the “God made different flavors of ice cream speech?”. I am SUPER proud of you for being offered the permanent position!!!! See, you are good at what you need/want to be good at ( that dang dangling thingy again), you just don’t know what you want to be when you grow up yet!! Love ya

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