After thinking and thinking and thinking, I’ve decided what I really want to write about is how happy I have been lately. That could mean so many things, so here’s what it does NOT mean:
– I have been happy for an entire week.
– I have felt no other emotion than happiness.
– I have not failed to do what I want to do.
– I have not upset anyone.
– I have not been upset by anyone.
– I have made a decision and followed through with it.
– I have attended church.
None of those things have been true in the past week. I’ve worried, I’ve cried, I’ve been madder than hell, I’ve had a pity party or two… That being said, I’m beginning to realize that happiness does not always mean picture perfect. Happiness doesn’t mean all the time happy. Happiness doesn’t have to be a fairy tale. It doesn’t have to be exactly how you imagine it, and it often isn’t. Happiness really is what you make of the situation you are dealt. Or the relationship you are dealt. Or the life you are dealt. I cannot control every circumstance that comes my way; the only thing I can control is the way I react to it. And sometimes I react poorly, but I always get through it. Then usually almost immediately after, I’m dying to be happy again. And if I’m dying to be happy, why should I fight it? I’ll undoubtedly have to remind myself of that every other day, but if I’m realizing it, I think that’s progress. And any chance to grow I get, I’ll take it. 🙂
Yesterday I was infatuated with looking at houses, because I was determined that by the end of our lease next April, Blake and I WILL buy our first house. I want a house; I need a house. I need a yard. A big one. For a dog and William and Blake and me to run around in. And a garage, so the stroller can stay in there instead of in my trunk. A basement, for Blake to escape to. A big kitchen, for both of us. Openness, not so many walls. We need an office. William needs a play room. We need lots of light, lots of windows. A back porch, for friends to gather. Just three beds and two baths, or one and a half! Nothing fancy. Just light. And space. A dog. A grill. You know, the essentials.
Oh, we also need an SUV. Bad. For William’s carset and our backs and our bags and our next McManus, be it baby or dog.
In order to achieve these things, we need several things. First, my credit has to come up. HAS TO. Damn you, student loans. Then, I need a full-time, salary job. I will work hard, because I want this house. I need this house. Then, we have to make enough money to actually put some aside for a down payment. Then, we have to qualify for a loan. Buy lawn equipment, more furniture, …all in the next eight months. Focus. Hard work. Save. No more babies yet, can’t afford it.
But then, last night, as I was lying in bed, it was like God sent me this sense of calm. He just said, “Look at all you have.” I mean, I’m assuming this was God because it was a good, appreciative thought that just came out of nowhere and it totally changed my frame of mind; this was exciting!! I’d been waiting for this for so long! God actually spoke to me and I heard it and listened!
I also firmly believe this was God because it was only 10 minutes prior that Blake and I prayed together – like really, hands held, heads down, eyes closed, tears drained (for me), the whole bit – for the first time ever. Sure, we talk to God all the time by ourselves, but praying out loud? Together?? That’s scary stuff. That’s admitting your surrender to your Higher Power out loud and to someone other than yourself. That’s admitting how small you really are. That’s letting your gaurd down, completely. That’s childlike faith. That’s admitting your powerlessness.
Quite ironically, it’s an extremely powerful feeling.
And so I went to bed feeling extra content and happy, and in bed, even though I hadn’t thought about the house goal for several hours, it just all of a sudden came to me that if next year wasn’t the time, that was okay. Because we had every thing we needed, and more – we had each other. Our William is safe and healthy, we are relatively healthy, we’re happy (for now), and we have God, who has brought us from almost nothing to where we are today. When we got pregnant, neither of us had jobs, neither were living on our own, we were unwed, crazy, and lost. Now, we have jobs, we have a place to live by ourselves, we have God in our life and marriage, thus more peace than ever before, and a beautiful baby! AND A COUCH! AND A KITCHEN TABLE AND THREE WHOLE *MATCHING* CHAIRS (I’ll post on that later)!
We are very blessed. The extras will come in time.
“Without struggle there is no progress.”
For now, I am happy and content.
…but I really do need to work on my credit.