Recently, while listening to Britney’s “Lace and Leather” song, I was smiling thinking of how this used to be my jam in college and it made me feel empowered and independent. But then I listened to the lyrics, and it made me sad to think how empty that “power” really was.
My pastor said something in church several months ago that struck me and I wished so badly someone had said it to me when I was 18: “You are so much more than your sexuality.” I’m pretty sure the sermon was on finding your identity, and how it isn’t defined in our occupations, but in Christ. Whatever else was said, that was the one thing that stuck with me.
I used to crave attention so badly that I used the only obvious thing to me, physical appearance and sexuality, to get it. At least that’s what the magazines, television shows, music, and girls I hung around suggested was the best (and easiest) way to get it. This explains why I constantly shopped for men, and why I was never satisfied. I still felt empty. I got attention I wanted, but it was a cover up of the symptom (loneliness), not a solution to the problem (abandonment issues).
Thank God I’ve settled down and returned to Jesus, so I’m not promiscuous anymore. But I still struggle with this lonliness and I guess it still stems from feeling abandoned. I’m not trying to place blame on my dad, Lord knows he suffers every day, I’m just saying this is how I still feel. And Hubby brings it up jokingly more often now. I apologize for being needy, and he says he kind of likes feeling needed and important. (Kind of?) That’s great and all… but I would really love to feel more independent. I would love to get excited at the thought of alone time at home and with William, but instead I just feel scared. Or lonely, again.
Blake was just recently offered a new job with his company (out of over 50 applicants- I’m so proud!) at a branch much closer to our place of residency, THANK YOU JESUS, and this means so many great things for us: more money, less struggling, more time at home for him, more together time for us, less gas money…all kinds of wonderful things. But then he threw out to me as a side note after he got the job offer, “Oh yeah… I forgot to mention that I’ll probably have to travel sometimes.”
WHAT. Panic mode sets in.
“But it’ll only be about once a month and only on the weekends!”
ONCE A MONTH?!?!?! WEEKEND?!?!? GONE???! I absolutely hated when he had to work on the weekends at his current job, BUT AT LEAST HE CAME HOME AT NIGHT!!!! HOW CAN I DEAL WITH AN ENTIRE WEEKEND — TWO NIGHTS — WITHOUT HIM?!?! And then on top of that, there’s the worry of WHAT IF HE MAKES A BAD DECISION – and I can’t even let my mind wander THERE.
Does anybody ever miss their significant other during the day so much – even though you see them every morning and every night – that you check your phone constantly throughout the day to see if he/she has contacted you? And do you feel anxious when they don’t? Or sad? Or lonely? It’s insane to me, but it IS me.
What IS this? When will I feel like a whole person on my own, by myself? Will I ever?? This is definitely something that needs to be discussed and analyzed with my sponsor, who is kind of like my medium to God. She helps me to figure out and understand where certain feelings come from, how to give them to God and listen to God about what to replace them with. Sponsor, please add this to my ever growing list of things to recover from. And let’s get together soon.
YM’s, please pray for my silly, dependent self.
Next song on my shuffling iPod: “Oceanfront Property” by George Straight.