I’ve been dying to write lately, to get so much out of my jam-packed brain, and now when I have the opportunity, I feel like the drain is clogged. There’s so much crap in the sink (my head), it wants to all come out at once, but can’t fit through the tiny drain, so it just sits there. That is a frustrating feeling, and one I feel quite often when I’m trying to express to someone my feelings or what’s going on in my life. I feel like I have so much to share that it gets stuck. When I write, I begin my drafts in an email, then I revise, edit – and if I like it, I’ll move it over to the blog. If not, it just sits in my drafts folder. My drafts folder was getting pretty big, so I just read through it to clean it out. I wrote this over a month ago:
“As I think back on my first several posts not too long ago, I sympathize for the girl who knew the truth, but chose to ignore it. That girl who wanted so badly to be happy that she disregarded warning sign after warning sign after warning sign that something wasn’t right. I was in love with love, but I wasn’t receiving it as a woman should by a man who makes a vow to love and honor her throughout his entire life. Love doesn’t mean to hide the ugly. Love means to bare all, the good and the bad, and work through it together. Love means to show your true self, and to work together if your true self isn’t your best. Love is honest, brave, thoughtful, considerate, protective, safe. I’ve talked about safety in love before, specifically when referring to the love for my child. He must always feel safe in order to know that he is loved. The same goes for marriage. If one does not feel safe, whether in her heart or physically, love is absent. I’ve always known that trust and communication were the foundations of a solid relationship, and I’ve had relationships before that were not solid, but I ignored it then and it hurt me badly in the end. It seems that I had fallen into that same pattern again this time around, the difference being I finally woke up and saw the lack of security, the absence of safety, trust, and communication. Waking up is a hard thing to do. It’s so much easier to stay comfortable in dream land, and accept that there are good dreams and bad dreams.”
… So I felt like this is the start of what I want to say. It IS easier to be comfortable, to stay with what you know. Even if what you know is harmful, it can seem like such a long and hard process to step away from it and start over. But anything that’s worth it isn’t easy. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can’t grow if you’re stagnant, and I’m all about some growth here.
I’ve been separated from my husband for over a month now. It’s a weird thing for the mind. Some days I feel so strong, so hopeful, so just – headed in the right direction. Like – YAY, ME! I’M TAKING ACTION! I’M DOING THE RIGHT THING! I’M SETTING STANDARDS AND ACTING LIKE AN ADULT AND A SUPERMOM AND AND AND!! …Which feels wonderful. It feels like growth. I feel independent and wise.
…Then come the other days. Or the other MOMENTS. It is very often that in the same day I can feel like Superwoman and a few minutes later feel like a helpless, hopeless runaway, a copout. Those days, or moments, seem to last so long. The mud is so thick. I question my actions, my words, my feelings – I feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I pray, begging for answers, direction, a sign – ANYTHING to show me I’m doing the right thing. I get angry, depressed, frustrated… life isn’t fair. Life isn’t supposed to be this way. This is NOT what I planned when I was a child. When I was a child, I KNEW exactly how I wanted my future family to be. I knew I could have it the way I wanted it because adults are in control! Adults decide what happens in their lives! Adults choose their paths! Adults make decisions for kids, so of course they make decisions for themselves, and there had to be only two choices – good ones or bad ones. And adults see and know everything, so OBVIOUSLY they know which decisions will be good or bad. I chose as a child to only make GOOD decisions. I chose to marry a godly man, to have children, to raise them right, to be moral and ethical, be supportive, loving, wise… How sad it is to reach adulthood and realize you don’t have all the answers. You can intend very much on making good decisions, but the world may have other plans. You can intend to give all you’ve got to your spouse, but he/she may not be able to give the same… You can be as careful of a mother as possible, but your child may still become unhealthy…
The thing about this life stuff is, no matter what unfavorable circumstances occur, you canNOT let them change you. Don’t let the bad keep you from prospering. It may not be exactly how you planned when you were young, but you will ALWAYS be you. Your circumstances do NOT have to change who YOU are inside. Keep your joy. God gave you that, and no one can take it from you. There’s a pot of gold somewhere…keep looking. And if you can’t find the whole pot, celebrate the gold coins when you find them. The world can be beautiful if you choose to see it that way.
As for my life, whatever happens happens. My constant focus is being the best mother I can be…the best coworker… the best friend. If I continue to try my best, there will be positive outcomes. I can’t control other people, but I can control myself.
Also, it is COMPLETELY OKAY, healthy, and natural for me to have a breakdown sometimes. I am constantly thankful for my blessings, but mourning is a part of life that I accept. You gotta keep your head above water to breathe, but sometimes the waves are gonna pull you back under, and there’s nothing you can do about that. I still cry, I still get angry, I still feel frustrated, but I always get my head back above the surface.
There’s my piece for the day. I hope some of you who have similiar situations can feel some strength from this. We’re all here to relate.
It feels good to unclog a little. 🙂